My Life is Out of Control

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Recently I’ve come to the con­clu­sion that my life is com­pletely out of con­trol. Every time I decide to do some­thing, fate and, per­haps, des­tiny says oth­er­wise. I decide to move to a par­tic­u­lar city: deci­sion over­rid­den. I decide to take a par­tic­u­lar job: deci­sion over­rid­den. Sud­denly, I meet the most amaz­ing woman I’ve ever known and less than six months later we are mar­ried. Eleven months later we have our first child. In the blink of an eye my life has changed. The pace at which it changed is breath­tak­ing and, at times, fright­en­ing; nev­er­the­less, they were won­der­ful and amazing.

Now I have a wife and a child, and together we decided that we were going to move to a par­tic­u­lar city. We both agreed on where we wanted to live and what we wanted to do with our lives, and so it seemed as though my lot in life had finally changed. It seemed as though things were going our way. Deci­sion made: deci­sion over­rid­den. We decide to move: deci­sion over­rid­den. We decide to take dif­fer­ent jobs: deci­sion over­rid­den. Then sud­denly, I real­ized  that I fin­ished a Master’s degree in less than twelve months, got accepted into a PhD pro­gram less than thirty days after grad­u­a­tion, and an amaz­ing door into my future swings open widely. Once again, my life—no, our lives—are mov­ing at a fran­tic pace. The pace is so fast that it is breath­tak­ing and, at times, fright­en­ing; nev­er­the­less, won­der­ful and amazing.

That’s when I real­ized my life is com­pletely out of con­trol. The deci­sions I call myself mak­ing are over­rid­den every sin­gle time. The plans I made for my life have been changed so much that I no longer write them in pen. I’m sure you can imag­ine the frus­tra­tion this causes. I’m sure you’ve been in the same sit­u­a­tion. We make plans for our lives but life has its own plans. I keep think­ing about Ernest Henley’s Invic­tus where he proclaims:

It mat­ters not how straight the gate,

How charged with pun­ish­ments the scroll,

I am the mas­ter of my fate,

I am the cap­tain of my soul.

I hear these words, but for me, they are com­pletely untrue. I am not in charge of my life. My life is not my own. I can accept this now. My wife has accepted this as well. Why? We accept this because every deci­sion that has been over­rid­den in our lives ulti­mately led us to each other. Every job we did not get kept us in the city we needed to be in to find one another. Ulti­mately, every deci­sion that was over­rid­den led us to Ben­jamin 2.0.Every choice that was over­ruled led to us both fin­ish­ing our master’s, Jada’s sec­ond, my accep­tance into a PhD pro­gram, and an oppor­tu­nity that you will hear about soon enough.

Sim­ply put, I can’t imag­ine any of the other deci­sions being bet­ter than the ones that I was ulti­mately forced into. And so, my life is com­pletely out of con­trol: my con­trol. Then I remem­ber a prayer that I said when I was sixteen:

Lord, I know I can make deci­sions, but I can­not always trust that my deci­sions will be the right ones. So I am turn­ing my life over to you because I know that what you have planned for me will always be bet­ter for me because you want only what’s best for me. I trust your will for my life more than I trust my abil­ity to make good deci­sions. So, lead the way.”

Be care­ful what you ask for. I was blessed enough to get it.

 

–BpDixon

Posted in: Inspiration

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  1. Jada 06/14/2011, 4:09 pm:

    Well said…

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